awesomeeeeeee

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amanda-rachael:

OHHH YEAHHHHH PAINTED ON MY WALL! c:

i want this on my wall!!

(Source: say10.com, via letmehearyousay10)

friday.

 fuck it. maybe i’ll just find me a nice girlfriend.

I miss and love adam so much but i know i can’t go back to him. Plus at this rate, i had 3 ex’s yesterday tell me that i’m insecure? well no shit. that’s why i talk to them , so they can up my confidence. not make me cry. One ex i will never speak to again is travis. Seriously. He invites me over,we watch movies, make dinner, boombang and then sapphire text him to come get her. well me, being upset since she’s my friend and he’s my ex. I started bawling my eyes out. Then he tells her that i made up that we hung out, that i make up stories all the time because i’m out to get him and ruin his relationships because “im jealous”. I’m so sick of his bullshit and making all his little slut girls hate me because he cant man up and tell them how much of a joke he is. fuck him. I would never be jealous of him, and i plan to have accomplished way more than he has by the time i’m his age. not to mention he’s nearly 26 and sapphire is 17. gross dude.  anyway. done with that subject.

Alex, oh the alexander. the one guy who i thought could always be my best friend. nope. i was wrong. he ranted on about how insecure i am, and if i don’t become secure i’ll never have a relationship. Well, maybe i would be secure if someone told me i was beautiful every once and awhile. when i come to him for advice, he does nothing but upset me and make me cry. he tells me i’m weak-minded and i shouldn’t have feelings at all. well, easier said than done. he tells me my life isn’t as bad as i think it is and how he works for the whitehouse ( even though he’s not an american citizen and has had no prior job experience so thats a lie lmao) he sits in Washington doing paper work for his father.  I wasn’t born with rich parents, my parents had money for a small amount of time until the business fell apart. I don’t even have a car to get myself around to college. so i’m done with him as well.

adam, let’s see. i asked his best friend if he thought adam missed me and our times together and he said honestly no. well great. nice to know i meant nothing to him, or fuck anyone of that matter. I wish him and i would have never got in that stupid fight. I miss waking up beside him, and stroking his fro. i miss breakfast while indie is in the background playing. I miss sliding in the kitchen floor dancing while making breakfast. i miss laying on the leather couch making fun of people on trutv. I miss him and having a best friend who cleared my mind most of all.

I really don’t know what to do. I guess i’m just going to have to get a councilor because the three people i trust, and confine in, think im just a weak-minded sow. I need a best friend. i need real people. I know i’m the only one who can get me out of this hell hole. my parents won’t even let me live with them anymore. and theirs no one in lubeck to even apply at. plus, with my charge who knows if ill even get a job in wv again unless i do pavement work.  I have about 700$ i need to put in to my vehicle to get it running again , so that’s awesome. I have 800$ to pay off to wv so they can write down on a piece of paper that i’m not addicted to marijuana.  I really just need to put myself on craigslist. cute, small, redhead looking for a loyal friend who is willing to listen and help. any takers? ha who am i kidding? i’m back in parkersburg , those type of people don’t exist.

my best friend. exboyfriend. soooooooo much.

wahhhh.

dudes have hit on me since becoming single. and i only want you. 

I’m so blessed to have finally met a guy worth my life. he doesn’t hit me. he doesn’t scream when i have my little rants of anger. he just calms down. hes jealous in a good way. he thinks the world of me and wants to give it to me. he makes me sad when i hurt his feelings, which i haven’t been able to do in awhile. he hold me tight everynight and holds my hair back when i puke. I gave up on love after my heart being stolen by two other men. I thought for sure love, and happiness were demolished emotions and that i would never find happiness with another man again. he makes me breakfast, takes off my shoes, and rubs my back daily. I love him so much, maybe too much. I haven’t been like this with anyone except my ex travis, who basically ruined me. I didn’t think i’d ever recover from that darkness. 7 years wasted on someone who flip flopped me. now he’s flip flopping others, and i know the game. i pity them. however, if he would of never let me go, i would of never met adam. seriously, this boy get down on one knee, daily, and tells me i’m the only one. Sometimes i let jealousy get in the way, that’s only when i see these girls who have been with him, and how much prettier, tan, and richer than i am. I feel like i can’t compare. I feel bad when i take it out on him for that, but i am a very insecure person. I hate the fact when i see other girls who had once had the lips i cherish. especially when to me, when they girl is like 5’1,105 pds, decked in real diamonds, half indian/asian mixed, and noticeably fake tits. when i see that, makes me basically think i’m nothing to that and will never compare or be good enough. especially when that’s who he had before me, but i guess i need to look at it like, he’s with me. but makes me wonder why she felt the need to talk to me at a bar?  ill never understand but i guess its okay. theirs always going to be someone prettier, it just bothers me that she’s my exact size and makes me wonder if he fancys her in bed. I guess I could be insane. but i think about stuff like that and let it bottle up. I already want to diet and go tanning and dye my hair brunette and start dressing in heels and dresses. because to me, thats what he likes. even though, he shows and tells me he loves me and no one else. sometimes i just don’t believe it. I need to work on my self-esteem. I need to work on thinking i’m pretty. I am glad, as i was having a melt down today, yelling at my boy because i wasn’t pretty, because of this and that he gets a phone-call, and finally he got his engineering job. meaning, if he keeps, we can go to florida in march. i can save up for another car as long as he pays the bills. it looks like its uphill from here as long as i can find a friend to vent my insecurities too..

i open up, i care too much.

when i sut off emotions, i feel nothing.

who knows which is better . honestly…

(Source: babylonfalling, via tattedlace)

damn bitch.

i aint dat cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7QQLsC7QEw

i dig this song so much

Go back to college. for real this time.

get my health back to normal, i hate you ovaries.

find someway to get another piece of shit car.

i love hate living here

i have my man and the new city but i never leave this room =[

I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH.

till my boy gets home.

    i can’t wait.

i miss him while hes at work and we live together. how gay are we?

time to shower,shave, and roll a blunt / do laundry. clean up <3

i’m in love again.

i need to start working out.

i’m going to start up college again in spring.

i’m going to start booking photoshoots again. and paid, so i can go on vacation with my love.

i’m finally out of parkersburg and in a big city with a boy who treats me well. i finally got what i deserve.

so happy. and ughh my bday is in 2 days!